a non-home, home

As a Japanese person who has lived most of their life in America but grew up in a culturally Japanese household, Japan is now a place that should feel familiar but doesn’t. There is a sense of connection and alienation in my reality when I travel 'home' to Japan. In my mind, I am Japanese—having citizenship and being born there—with a hint of American influence. In the States, I am often referred to as ‘Japanese American’ rather than simply ‘Japanese,’ as though the American side holds equal weight. In Japan, my American mannerisms are picked up on so easily and eagerly that many default to English when they speak to me. I understand that they are correct, that I am very much as American, potentially even more so, than I am Japanese. But just as the words my family often utter hang above me, “you will always be Japanese,” I’m often left with a feeling of estrangement and melancholy.